Why is it that we always find ourselves with a paper and a pen or kneeling in the grass just to say the things we never got to say. Writing to a lost loved one or talking to their headstone because there just wasn’t enough time to say what we needed to say.
Because we never thought we wouldn’t get the chance, that there would always be time, some other time. We all know that is not the way life works, but we still put things off until there is no more time. And we are left with feelings of regret or just like things have been left unfinished. I too am guilty of this, even as I write about it there are other things I could be writing or conversations I could be having that I might not get the chance to have later.
But right now I know that this is what I’m supposed to be doing with these next moments of my life. This is all the things I never got to say to my Big Homie…
Bryan Leon Telford July 6, 1977- August 31, 2017
Bryan, *sigh* I am not even sure where to start, my heart is so overwhelmed with the grief of your leaving this world. Right in the middle of my chest sits a heaviness like a stone stuck under my rib cage next to my heart.
It takes up space in my chest, this heaviness and sometimes it even makes it hard to breathe. I know that the pain I feel will never go away, so I will just have to make room for it. Ya know move some memories and moments around inside, organize my messes so that this will fit with all the other moments and memories that will never stop feeling how they have always felt.
I have been so angry whenever I think about you being gone, I rage inside with such raw, intense emotion that I am even surprised with how strong and raw and so full of an anger that I have not experienced much of before in my life.
I trash rooms and throw temper tantrums, beating my fists against the walls, inside my mind almost every night before I go to sleep.
Now I don’t want this conversation to be about how shitty I feel because you left me! I don’t want you to ever feel guilty for going. It’s not that I am sad that you won’t be here to live this existence anymore, I am sad for me. That may sound selfish but I’m sad because I won’t get to have you here with me on this earth, to live my life with me.
I know that your spirit was broken and you longed for peace and for the bullshit you have had to live through, the bullshit your choices put you through, and the bullshit that was outta your hands, to finally be over.
I want you to know that I heard you Bryan, I heard the things you said to me, the things you talked about. And I heard the things you didn’t say too. I might not have been able to find the words I thought I needed to say in those dark moments of conversation when you opened your heart and your aching soul to me, but I was listening.
I never got the chance to tell you just how much you mean to me, you showed me unconditional love, you were always there for me. I remember when you lived in the glass house. When I was homeless and bouncing from couch to couch. You would call me and ask me if I was somewhere warm, if I had food in my belly and then tell me to come hang out and you would feed me and I had a safe place to be for awhile.
I do not believe in coincidences, not one bit. I always knew that I ended up in Ogden on 27th and Adams for a reason. Through some not so random events and fb reconnecting me to an old friend that I hadn’t talked to in 18 years, who also just so happened to be the only person to help me when I needed it one night. It all lead me to 27th, and unexpectedly close to you.
It was then that you and I reconnected and I saw you and thermos for the first time in a year or longer. Damn dog was pissed at me for a week.!! I have always been the most thankful that it lead me back to you (and that little doggie thermos).
I have no reasonable excuse or reason or any kind of words that would make sense of why I never expressed those thoughts and feelings to you when I was having those thoughts and feeling that connection and love.
I don’t know why we always think there will be time, some other time to have conversations like this, because there never is. And then a conversation becomes a one sided spewing of emotions and words that are now drenched in regret and heartache and lost time.
I wish that we could have had his conversation while we were both in the same dimension. But I know our friendship still exists, and that we will reconnect when it’s my turn to leave this world.
I can’t wait to have this conversation sitting next to you, so I can hear your part of it. I don’t wanna live with the regret of never telling you how much I love you, so this letter is as much for me as it is for you. It’s gonna help me make room.
This is the first time since you left that I do not feel anger when thinking about you. But my heart has been ripped open and my chest, is tight. My soul aches from losing you. I know you have not been lost, that you are there exploring the universe happy, healthy, and you can actually see it to take in all it’s beauty. I know you have found a peace that I will never fully be able to comprehend until I know it myself. And I know that your energy has transcended to a higher level of consciousness, and that you are always close to me. You are in the cool breeze that blows through my hair. Your energy surrounds me and everyone you knew and loved. But I still hurt, this enormous, crushing pain will not go away quickly. Though I have an understanding of where you’ve gone, in my logical mind anyways, but that has done nothing to convince my emotional heart to hurt any less.
The universe gave you what you truly wanted, I believe, and you are no longer bound by the suffering we created for ourselves with our addiction, or the physical challenges you endured. You have been freed of all your trauma and that gives me comfort.
And really as I said before, I’m not sad for you, I’m sad for me. Selfish human nature at it’s finest. Please stay near where I am at, don’t wander too far.
And Bryan, I am sorry about the night after you’d gone, when I had just received the news. I felt you there in my room with me, felt your love and energy like a hug… But all I could say was “fuck you Telford” I was angry then as I’m angry now, but I’m no longer angry with you.
So I will not say goodbye because that resognates a permacy that is not real.
Big Homie, I thank you for sharing in our journey here together, for the time that we had together walking the same path. Struggling similar struggles. Thank you for the love you gave me, I will carry it in my heart forever.
I’ll see you some day!
Love your friend,