Not too much and more than enough

Chad Bishop

It’s like you just take your balls and hand them to any bitch who takes control and tries to change you, and she carries them around in her purse. You give them your time and attention, not to mention money and energy, but also a love they don’t deserve and that probably isn’t sincere at the core of it.

And you focus on only their happiness, their desires, their demands and you seemingly stop thinking for yourself. Then you push away the one person, who is not only a true friend but a loyal and faithful woman. The one person who has ever truly shown you unconditional love. But you never stop to think about her happiness or her feelings. You don’t appreciate that she has no demands or that she wants to know what YOUR desires are. And even though she has scars from where she was left bleeding for you time and time again… She still stands back up, brushes the dirt off and still loves you unconditionally.

We were happy

Maybe that’s why you take her for granted. You think she’ll always be there waiting for you. Or maybe it’s that she’s just too much for you. Too beautiful, too kind, too smart, too real, too good to be true. And you don’t think you deserve a woman as good as her.. so you turn away from her and leave her one more time.

What you are failing to recognize, what you refuse to see… Is that she is everything that you need in your life to become the best version of yourself. She is just enough grit and just enough grace. And just enough of everything you need to be happy.

She is not too much and you are more than enough… And together with her is where you will find the true beauty of life and exactly where you belong.

When will you stop cutting her just so you can turn your back as she bleeds? When will you see that she is all the love you ever need and never have to change for… When will you accept that you deserve her unconditional love?
You don’t think about the one who will set you free. You just turn to the ones who want to control you and change you.

Get what I give

I have always felt like I have more love to give than other people, and that sometimes some people just need some love, even those who just can’t, or won’t, or don’t give anything in return. All my life the broken have found me. Both men and women in friendships and intimate relationships. Sometimes I don’t realize they are broken at first until we grow closer. And even though I don’t consiously see it, my subconscious does and I have already been giving my energy to them.

I don’t know what it is about my energy and my presence that makes people want to open up and receive the love and healing my energy somehow offers to them.
Broken people, at least the ones I know/knew have never really experienced real, raw, unconditional love before. They have never had anyone accept and encourage them to be as they are. To be who they are.
I teach people that it’s ok to give love but also to accept it. I pour everything in to them and then I fall in love with them and who they will become.. but it never fails…
They always leave, no one ever stays to love me back. Sure they love me in other ways. But once I fix them they go on the love someone else.
My cup always seems to be almost empty these days. I have poured all of myself into other people, but have no one to help fill me back up…

I can refill my cup on my own but it takes longer and I am just too tired to care anymore. I just want to have someone that matches me in frequency and passion and heart. Someone who will give me unconditional love, the love I give everyone else.

I wonder if I am meant to be a lone spirit.. if this is a lesson or a penance I am paying. Maybe mission in his life is to heal the broken and teach the world how to love again… But none of that makes my heart ache any less when I think of how alone I get most nights. Or how world weary and tired my soul is.
Everytime I find a spark of hope that I am wrong.. the universe corrects me and I find myself on my bedroom floor holding back tears and pushing down the pain and heartache I don’t think I deserve to feel.

There was a smaller tribe within the comanche people known as the nakoni.. it means wanderers. The chief of this tribe was called Nakona, which translates to, yep you guessed it, wanderer. In a book I read about him someone had said to describe him that “He belongs to everyone, yet he belongs to no one.” That like stopped me in my tracks, because I had heard those words before. A friend of mine, when we had first met, used to study me, said I was an enigma.. he said he was just trying to figure me out.

And one day he says ” I’ve got it, you belong to everyone, yet you belong to no one.” Now at the time I was like ” wtf.. weirdo” but it started making sense over time.

So I put up walls and would give love to those who needed healing but wouldn’t accept it from other people… Until I met him. He broke down my walls and then he broke my heart.. and then he did it again… And quite possibly, he has done it again. But I let him…
I let him.

Confused

I think that, that is exactly what I have been doing.. for far too long. And for what?!?!

This is the same thing have been telling the people surrounding me for years… Watching them time and time again choose the people who are just using them and leaving me and a few others sitting, waiting.

Seeing this quote in my Google photos today, I had an epiphany… And don’t I feel stupid for not seeing it before.

All this time I am fighting to keep those people in my life and THEY are the ones who are just always around… Right, until shit gets hard, and then they are no where to be found, only to come back around once things are better again.

And I have pushed those who are always there for me, to the side for so long… Hurting the ones who matter most, too many times, and now most of them have, had to start loving me from a far… So they can’t be quite as easily hurt. And I can see it clearly now… And that’s unfortunate.

It’s been awhile

Writing for me is a release, a way to sort out my feelings rather than just going in circles, coming back to a thought that caused the chaos to begin with. When I write I am often struck with profound understanding of any given situation, and it helps me grow each time.

I have not been using this outlet as much as I have needed to.

Though my smile is genuine, it’s one filled with pain and heartache. I’m not certain where exactly this post is heading or how much I feel like talking about.

I began writing this post to help me remember what writing does for my soul, to find some relief from all the bullshit I have in my mind and my soul.

I know that at any given moment we are being taught a really important lesson. That staying in our present moment will help us find peace. The universe and I have had our ups and downs, in the times of my life where I was unable to trust that the universe knew where the hell it was taking me.

I know the universe is on my side.. I trust it.. I just wish I knew where all this was heading…

Isn’t it ironic? Don’t ya think?

I used to listen to that Alanis Morrisette song all through Jr. High, of course the lyrics never really made as much sense or had the same meaning to the ears and mind of a 12 year old.

Now all these years later and I have always been able to laugh at the irony of things that happen. In fact the stuff from the song, that kind of stuff became a nearly daily happening in my life. Irony thinks it’s funny, I could get frustrated with it’s jokes or laugh with it, I can tell you that I didn’t always laugh right away though.

Recently irony has showed me it’s heartless side. Either there is something that needs to be taken from this ironic situation and some action taken, or irony has one f*cked up sense of humor.

On August 31, 2017 my best friend Bryan Telford, died from cardiac arrest which was brought on by shooting bad heroin or fentynal.

August 31, just so happens to be National Overdose Awareness Day. No shit! I mean the irony in that is so completely out of my grasp of comprehension. Ok universe do you have to go to those great of lengths to get our attention?

It seems the universe and irony got together and threw my entire world off kilter. I struggle with the loss of my best friend everyday! And I am filled with so much anger that at times I don’t know where to put it, or what to do with it.

The rage usually comes at night when I’m lying in bed, my mind running through it’s reel and one memory leads to another and to another until I find myself thinking about Bryan, I start remembering things we did together and then BAM I am reminded that he is dead, that he is gone all over again. The emotions start to stir in my chest I can feel the anger creeping in. As I lie there in my mind’s eye I am raging. I am pounding my fists against the wall and shoving doors and tipping dressers over. My heart starts pounding and I have to pull myself out of this internal rage. I start with deep breaths in the nose and out the mouth, and I focus only on those breaths I am taking, focus on the sensation of my chest rising and falling against my hands that are resting on my abdomen. It can take up to 10 minutes before I am calm again and my heart is beating normally.

I am having the hardest time with this loss. I have lost 7 people this last year and Bryan was the last and his death was my breaking point.

I realize that in most ways Bryan is happier, he was at a point where he talked about wanting to die, he was not happy in life and I guess in a way the universe gave him what his soul needed. But the way he went was unexpected for me. I didn’t know that Bryan used heroin. He kept that from me. He knew how I feel about heroin and so that’s probably why he never did it around me.

So there is that… And then in steps IRONY, this time it’s not funny, now or in hindsight will it ever issue a giggle in response to it’s memory. I hate irony, I think it’s an asshole! Screw you irony! Nobody likes you anyway!!!

I started this blog to share my story of loss and my anger and the ironic bullshit that came along with it. I was looking for an outlet for all this anger. Well that I’ve done, but also in writing this I have had some realizations and maybe just a bit of humble pie.

I said it myself earlier in my rant… The universe really had to conspire with irony, and go to such extreme lengths just to get our attention!

Of course this realization doesn’t make me hate irony any less right now, I need a place to put my anger and as illogical as it may seem, that’s where it’s going for now. Irony you are a dick! And to the universe, we have only recently gotten on good terms and I feel like perhaps you helped him find his way out of his darkness and back to being happy and whole, and fishing every damn day! Knee deep in the water!

So, “isn’t it ironic? Don’t ya think? A little too ironic? And yeah I really do think.”

Yo Big Homie!

Why is it that we always find ourselves with a paper and a pen or kneeling in the grass just to say the things we never got to say. Writing to a lost loved one or talking to their headstone because there just wasn’t enough time to say what we needed to say.

Because we never thought we wouldn’t get the chance, that there would always be time, some other time. We all know that is not the way life works, but we still put things off until there is no more time. And we are left with feelings of regret or just like things have been left unfinished. I too am guilty of this, even as I write about it there are other things I could be writing or conversations I could be having that I might not get the chance to have later.

But right now I know that this is what I’m supposed to be doing with these next moments of my life. This is all the things I never got to say to my Big Homie…

Bryan Leon Telford July 6, 1977- August 31, 2017

Bryan, *sigh* I am not even sure where to start, my heart is so overwhelmed with the grief of your leaving this world. Right in the middle of my chest sits a heaviness like a stone stuck under my rib cage next to my heart.

It takes up space in my chest, this heaviness and sometimes it even makes it hard to breathe. I know that the pain I feel will never go away, so I will just have to make room for it. Ya know move some memories and moments around inside, organize my messes so that this will fit with all the other moments and memories that will never stop feeling how they have always felt.

I have been so angry whenever I think about you being gone, I rage inside with such raw, intense emotion that I am even surprised with how strong and raw and so full of an anger that I have not experienced much of before in my life.

I trash rooms and throw temper tantrums, beating my fists against the walls, inside my mind almost every night before I go to sleep.

Now I don’t want this conversation to be about how shitty I feel because you left me! I don’t want you to ever feel guilty for going. It’s not that I am sad that you won’t be here to live this existence anymore, I am sad for me. That may sound selfish but I’m sad because I won’t get to have you here with me on this earth, to live my life with me.

I know that your spirit was broken and you longed for peace and for the bullshit you have had to live through, the bullshit your choices put you through, and the bullshit that was outta your hands, to finally be over.

I want you to know that I heard you Bryan, I heard the things you said to me, the things you talked about. And I heard the things you didn’t say too. I might not have been able to find the words I thought I needed to say in those dark moments of conversation when you opened your heart and your aching soul to me, but I was listening.

I never got the chance to tell you just how much you mean to me, you showed me unconditional love, you were always there for me. I remember when you lived in the glass house. When I was homeless and bouncing from couch to couch. You would call me and ask me if I was somewhere warm, if I had food in my belly and then tell me to come hang out and you would feed me and I had a safe place to be for awhile.

I do not believe in coincidences, not one bit. I always knew that I ended up in Ogden on 27th and Adams for a reason. Through some not so random events and fb reconnecting me to an old friend that I hadn’t talked to in 18 years, who also just so happened to be the only person to help me when I needed it one night. It all lead me to 27th, and unexpectedly close to you.

It was then that you and I reconnected and I saw you and thermos for the first time in a year or longer. Damn dog was pissed at me for a week.!! I have always been the most thankful that it lead me back to you (and that little doggie thermos).

I have no reasonable excuse or reason or any kind of words that would make sense of why I never expressed those thoughts and feelings to you when I was having those thoughts and feeling that connection and love.

I don’t know why we always think there will be time, some other time to have conversations like this, because there never is. And then a conversation becomes a one sided spewing of emotions and words that are now drenched in regret and heartache and lost time.

I wish that we could have had his conversation while we were both in the same dimension. But I know our friendship still exists, and that we will reconnect when it’s my turn to leave this world.

I can’t wait to have this conversation sitting next to you, so I can hear your part of it. I don’t wanna live with the regret of never telling you how much I love you, so this letter is as much for me as it is for you. It’s gonna help me make room.

This is the first time since you left that I do not feel anger when thinking about you. But my heart has been ripped open and my chest, is tight. My soul aches from losing you. I know you have not been lost, that you are there exploring the universe happy, healthy, and you can actually see it to take in all it’s beauty. I know you have found a peace that I will never fully be able to comprehend until I know it myself. And I know that your energy has transcended to a higher level of consciousness, and that you are always close to me. You are in the cool breeze that blows through my hair. Your energy surrounds me and everyone you knew and loved. But I still hurt, this enormous, crushing pain will not go away quickly. Though I have an understanding of where you’ve gone, in my logical mind anyways, but that has done nothing to convince my emotional heart to hurt any less.

The universe gave you what you truly wanted, I believe, and you are no longer bound by the suffering we created for ourselves with our addiction, or the physical challenges you endured. You have been freed of all your trauma and that gives me comfort.

And really as I said before, I’m not sad for you, I’m sad for me. Selfish human nature at it’s finest. Please stay near where I am at, don’t wander too far.

And Bryan, I am sorry about the night after you’d gone, when I had just received the news. I felt you there in my room with me, felt your love and energy like a hug… But all I could say was “fuck you Telford” I was angry then as I’m angry now, but I’m no longer angry with you.

So I will not say goodbye because that resognates a permacy that is not real.

Big Homie, I thank you for sharing in our journey here together, for the time that we had together walking the same path. Struggling similar struggles. Thank you for the love you gave me, I will carry it in my heart forever.

I’ll see you some day!

Love your friend,

Nicole

Isn’t it ironic? Don’t ya think?

I used to listen to that Alanis Morrisette song all through Jr. High, of course the lyrics never really made as much sense or had the same meaning to the ears and mind of a 12 year old.

Now all these years later and I have always been able to laugh at the irony of things that happen. In fact the stuff from the song, that kind of stuff became a nearly daily happening in my life. Irony thinks it’s funny, I could get frustrated with it’s jokes or laugh with it, I can tell you that I didn’t always laugh right away though.

Recently irony has showed me it’s heartless side. Either there is something that needs to be taken from this ironic situation and some action taken, or irony has one f*cked up sense of humor.

On August 31, 2017 my best friend Bryan Telford, died from cardiac arrest which was brought on by shooting bad heroin or fentynal.

August 31, just so happens to be National Overdose Awareness Day. No shit! I mean the irony in that is so completely out of my grasp of comprehension. Ok universe do you have to go to those great of lengths to get our attention?

It seems the universe and irony got together and threw my entire world off kilter. I struggle with the loss of my best friend everyday! And I am filled with so much anger that at times I don’t know where to put it, or what to do with it.

The rage usually comes at night when I’m lying in bed, my mind running through it’s reel and one memory leads to another and to another until I find myself thinking about Bryan, I start remembering things we did together and then BAM I am reminded that he is dead, that he is gone all over again. The emotions start to stir in my chest I can feel the anger creeping in. As I lie there in my mind’s eye I am raging. I am pounding my fists against the wall and shoving doors and tipping dressers over. My heart starts pounding and I have to pull myself out of this internal rage. I start with deep breaths in the nose and out the mouth, and I focus only on those breaths I am taking, focus on the sensation of my chest rising and falling against my hands that are resting on my abdomen. It can take up to 10 minutes before I am calm again and my heart is beating normally.

I struggle to believe that, that the universe is as it should be, that it knows what it’s doing. 222I have lost 7 people this last year and Bryan was the last and his death was my breaking point.

I realize that in most ways Bryan is happier, he was at a point where he talked about wanting to die, he was not happy in life and I guess in a way the universe gave him what his soul needed. But the way he went was unexpected for me. I didn’t know that Bryan used heroin. He kept that from me. He knew how I feel about heroin and so that’s probably why he never did it around me.

So there is that… And then in steps IRONY, this time it’s not funny, now or in hindsight will it ever issue a giggle in response to it’s memory. I hate irony, I think it’s an asshole! Screw you irony! Nobody likes you anyway!!!

I am struggling to put words to my emotions, and to the anger I have been feeling. This blog has always been an outlet for things I cannot otherwise release.

More often than not, through writing I have these aha moments or certain things will come into focus and I find clarity in the words I put on this page.

It really did take the universe conspiring with irony, to get our attention, at least to get mine.

Of course this realization doesn’t make me hate irony any less right now, I need a place to put my anger and as illogical as it may seem, that’s where it’s going for now. Irony you are a dick! And to the universe, we have only recently gotten on good terms and I feel like perhaps you helped him find his way out of his darkness and back to being happy and whole, and fishing every damn day! Knee deep in the water!

So, “isn’t it ironic? Don’t ya think? A little too ironic? And yeah I really do think.”

Clarity? … It’s out of focus!

Its right there! On the tip of my tongue! A word or a name or a song title… It’s there in your mind but hidden beneath a cloak of emptiness, locked away in another room. You know it, you have said it many times but for a moment for whatever physiological reason our mind has suppressed it.

Like a camera that won’t focus, it just adjusts back and forth, zooming in and out and in and out. But it just won’t focus on what you want it to, it just continually keeps adjusting and focusing on everything but what it’s supposed to.

None of that shit around it even matters, yet that’s where the camera keeps focusing. No matter how many times you  tap the screen on what you want it to focus on, it does just keeps doing the opposite.

After a few minutes of tapping again and again, frustration starting to boil over… But it still will not focus on what it’s supposed to.

This is the moment where I can feel anger creeping in and the urge to throw the camera at the wall grows inside of my chest. So,  I have to take a deep breath and step back for a minute. And once I step back, I can see things at a distance and they are clear. So, I lift the camera and  tap on that object in the viewer, and finally! The camera finds its focus and I can take the picture as intended.

Just as the camera will focus, that word you couldn’t remember will pop in your head as clear as if you had never forgotten it. But only once you have stopped worrying about finding that word, not getting frustrated because it won’t come to you. Once you take a step back and breathe, you will find clarity.

We find clarity when we can look at things objectively and at some distance. Sometimes, if we are too close to things, looking at them with emotions, they get out of focus. As much as we try and as much as we want to find focus, we will not find clarity unless we change our view.

When we are lost or hurting, we can’t find our focus, our clarity to see the solution to our pain becomes blurry and we give our attention everything except what we want or need to be focused on. 

All the shit around will become clear, and none of it even matters in the big picture. Our pain creates a distraction from clarity… And it’s out of focus.

Unfortunately, it will almost always take us nearly reaching or actually reaching out limit and frustration boiling over, before we remember to breathe, and take a step back. But once we are fed up with all the distractions we will seek clarity and finally focus on what needs to be done.

So when we find that out clarity has become unfocused, before shit gets too far out of hand… And hopefully well before our limit is reached. Be mindful and remember to take a step back and breathe. Find your focus and you will have clarity.

Clarity? … It’s out of focus!

Its right there! On the tip of my tongue! A word or a name or a song title… It’s there in your mind but hidden beneath a cloak of emptiness, locked away in another room. You know it, you have said it many times but for a moment for whatever physiological reason our mind has suppressed it.

Like a camera that won’t focus, it just adjusts back and forth, zooming in and out and in and out. But it just won’t focus on what you want it to, it just continually keeps adjusting and focusing on everything but what it’s supposed to.

None of that shit around it even matters, yet that’s where the camera keeps focusing. No matter how many times you  tap the screen on what you want it to focus on, it does just keeps doing the opposite. 

After a few minutes of tapping again and again, frustration starting to boil over… But it still will not focus on what it’s supposed to.  

This is the moment where I can feel anger creeping in and the urge to throw the camera at the wall grows inside of my chest. So,  I have to take a deep breath and step back for a minute. And once I step back, I can see things at a distance and they are clear. So, I lift the camera and  tap on that object in the viewer, and finally! The camera finds its focus and I can take the picture as intended.

Just as the camera will focus, that word you couldn’t remember will pop in your head as clear as if you had never forgotten it. But only once you have stopped worrying about finding that word, not getting frustrated because it won’t come to you. Once you take a step back and breathe, you will find clarity.  

We find clarity when we can look at things objectively and at some distance. Sometimes, if we are too close to things, looking at them with emotions, they get out of focus. As much as we try and as much as we want to find focus, we will not find clarity unless we change our view. 

When we are lost or hurting, we can’t find our focus, our clarity to see the solution to our pain becomes blurry and we give our attention everything except what we want or need to be focused on. 

All the shit around will become clear, and none of it even matters in the big picture. Our pain creates a distraction from clarity… And it’s out of focus.

Unfortunately, it will almost always take us nearly reaching or actually reaching out limit and frustration boiling over, before we remember to breathe, and take a step back. But once we are fed up with all the distractions we will seek clarity and finally focus on what needs to be done.

So when we find that out clarity has become unfocused, before shit gets too far out of hand… And hopefully well before our limit is reached. Be mindful and remember to take a step back and breathe. Find your focus and you will have clarity.

My words to a suicidal friend…

Before you make the choice to die, please Think It Through:

Dying is not the answer. I know sometimes in your darkest moments, and when the pain is more than you can bare, that’s the only thing you can think about, and ways to make it stop… But please for a minute think about if you did make it stop .. forever. Now this very temporary pain becomes something more in the other side of this plane of existence. Because you will have to watch the ripple of effects of that choice for years and years. 

You may not feel or believe that many people love and care about you, and you might truly believe that dead or alive it wouldn’t make a difference to anyone but I can tell you that your presence here in this life effects and impacts those around you.. every action, or inaction that we do everyday, has an effect on someone. Some are just small ripples in the wake of it, and some are like tidal waves.
 And those tidal waves created when people we love make the choice to die… Are relentless. Crashing down on those of us who are left behind to clean up the disaster, over and over. Sometimes with barely enough break in between for us to catch our breath. 

The pain you feel is temporary, I promise you that, but the pain we feel is everlasting. Yes over time the waves will get smaller, but often without warning a rogue wave will come and crash into all the stillness and calm we had found and shatter us again. We will have to live with that pain for the rest of ours.. if you choose to end yours.